Rant: The General Loneliness of August

"All my fake friends and all of their noise..."

The song "A World Alone" by Lorde helps encapsulate my feelings for most part.

Loneliness is state of this soul. 

"Maybe the internet raised us or people are just jerks"

Unbound and unshackled for the most part, I feel adrift in a void that is the ebb and flow of life. Though being unchained means I am in the greatest danger of flying into nothingness and being crushed by the gravity of the black whole that is loneliness. I'm getting dramatic so anyway...

I almost lost a family friend, had the news of a family acquaintance violently dying in a murder-suicide and I have already had this reoccurring feeling of sadness overwhelming me. I do not wish to dwell in the sadness I feel and yet this cathartic and gut-churning experience is still somehow comforting - comforting in that it makes me feel real and alive.

I am not confident enough to call this ongoing sadness a depression of sorts. I've been truly and clinically depressed eons ago and it's not as bad as it is now. However it screams from the deepest confines of my chest and nags my mind throughout the day. The only silence I get is when I go to sleep or rather loose consciousness and regain it in the morning. It is even a challenge to sleep when the weight of my over-thinking  carries me on and on in continuous consciousness until the body dictates that it must indeed sleep.

Loneliness is the state of affairs. I have decided to shut myself from the world. I mean I've done it before, why can't I do it again? But circumstances have changed. I actually have a more active social life and people worrying about my sanity and well-being. It warms the heart to know that but I still feel lonely, drained and sick by the illusions of social media and human communication, laced with pleasantries and thick masks. Though I'm still fortunate and graced to have good friends. To you, I give my undying loyalty and love. To fake friends, just read this and fathom my mess and the craziness that is my mind.

P.S. Trying to be more personal in my blog and acting based on the feedback I get.