Confessions Of An Insomniac: I Saw You That Night

Purposely cryptic. Inaugural post.
Yes, you of all people get the honor of being the topic of the inaugural post.

I saw you that night. You were busy lifting things here and there as the lights danced and the sound of a hundred voices cheered on and on. Conversations here and there, meetings and greeting here and there. I had not laid my eyes on you for ages. I saw you, your remarkable face, that face I learned to love. I did not fall in love with you or desired you with the first glance of you that destiny allotted for me in my lifetime. At that moment, I was distracted by the voices of strangers and the warmth of the coldly distant crowd. Despite the craze, the noise and the lights, I knew somehow, I still loved you. I miss you.

I've been desiring your presence, your voice and your attention for many moons now. It’s been three moons since and now I get to see you again. You did not know I was there. I was sure the eyes of many were on you. Some would have just seen you for the first time and would have fallen for you, for sure. Others could have already desired you for some time and take small peeks at your short appearances. I have loved you for ages now. I remember it was in the same darkness that I knew something was up. I didn't really notice you back when your company was abundant. That fateful night, when I realized I did not just lust for you or was infatuated. No, that day, even to the disgust of a friend, I told this friend of mine that I wanted you. You were cute and you were funny, affectionate and warm. I admired you in silence as we did our chores. You were ambitious, driven and yet still so sweet. Deep inside, I knew you weren't meant for this but for sure, undeniable, you were meant for great things. Our friendship bloomed with others even with the death of a great star, we thrived. By the ashes of that same great sun, we were made and we had an earth to forge our dreams. Five days. It took five days for me to be certain that I had the deepest of feelings for you. I had just recently learned that love was not dead and I was capable of loving again. Five days and the first day was a landmark. That night when we walked in the darkness with only a few glimmers of light from the stars, the stars I've always loved as a child. It was perfect. I walked with you to and fro, as we did our duties, talking of things that was of God and the way you wanted to write about it.

Fast forward, you admitted to me more of your soul, a premonition  of this was made when our good and common friend spoke to me a night before about who you really were, as if she was giving me trailers as if you were the great movie I was dying to watch. I was ecstatic to know you trusted me enough to confide a secret that made you who you are. I thought at least I would stand a chance to tell you how much you mean to me. What followed, however, was a parade of horrors. I could take them. I should have been stronger but the onslaught that came was too much for me. In the very five days I fell for you, you found someone who you desired. I could not contain myself. I burst into emotion. I told you prematurely and unprepared that I liked you. “I liked you” I said. In hindsight, I may have mouthed those words but what I really meant was that I loved you. I still do. I miss you.

Back to the present, we've patched up the damage somewhat but the damage had been done. I stayed away. It hurt me to see you. We no longer had that bond. The strength of the friendship we had was gone. Things will never be the same. I do not know your affairs, your happenstance but for sure with confidence, I can say I saw your beautiful soul, neigh, I experienced it. I knew I found that part of you that was the most genuine you and I knew it was good – it was more than good it was desirable and captivating. How could I be still so captivated by you after all these months that topple into a year. I saw you up there, covered in lights and busy. But I am continuously trying to move on. I left. I couldn't stomach the voices that told me I should try again. I don’t want to be desperate but I am. At least at this point my reason has taken over. We’re not compatible. You’ll never love me the way I did, or somehow I still do.

I love your face and your smile. I love the little jokes you told me. I love the times when you sing songs and the times I sing with you. I remember the meals we shared, the drinks we took. I remembered the times when we sat together, just us or with friends. I love you but I have come to terms with the improbability of being an “us”. We can’t be friends like we used to. The baggage is too heavy to lift. I must go.

I saw you up there in lights and I left you there. You did not need to know I was there. I was no one to you at this point. I miss you so much.