Reflection: Archipelagic Melancholy

I was supposed to go to the Capital soon. A bit frustrated but stuff has to be done at the home island.

Why yes, that was both a Hunger Games and Game of Thrones reference. LOL.

Hundred Islands, Pangasinan. So Archipelago. Many water. Wow.

My nation is a nation of islands. 7,107 islands. Well, that's the clean and neat figure they put in the text books but it's a good number, I guess. Whatever the real count is, we're a bunch of fragmented pieces (of land) bound by a national government and shared history under the domination of the Spanish, then the Americans. Then we gained "independence". Cool, but I digress. 

What if the Germans came in? What if the British stayed? Oh right, I forgot about the Japanese occupation. Again, I digress.

The main problem I have with this island life is that it just places people and places apart.

When we talk of seas separating us, in most cases it's not just a metaphor. Literally, seas separate us. When we get to the level of metaphors, the seas just bloat into oceans.

Anyway, I'm drifting and I haven't written anything on my blog for sometime so here we go.

I was suppose to go to the Capital on business and on the sideline, bonding with friends made in the Capital. I've lived in the Capital for some time and I'm not that anti-social so I made friends. Hurrah! The thought of disappointed plus my tendency to insomnia has gotten me to write. Again, hurrah!

I also have family in the Capital and surrounding areas. I am ethnically Tagalog too so that makes sense. I was born in the Capital City of the Republic and naturally I had a proclivity for the language and the tongue. Even in my home in the south of the Queen City of the South, that northern tongue prevails. My pure Cebuano brother put an end to that tyranny. God bless that boy. Haha. I was hoping to devour some Wicked Oreos in one of my favorite college-accessible restaurants.

Wicked Oreos. Hmm. Watermark says Gaby Jimenez, so thank you whoever you are for this picture I got from Google.

Oreos stuffed in fried batter and served with vanilla ice cream. Good gracious goodness, I'll have them sweeties soon enough. Again, I digress.

I wish it was easier to get to the Capital and to the different corners of the Republic. If only it was a long bus trip away, without crossing water, or a train away. Train? Now that would make things amazing.

I reflect in speed the political, social, economic and other factors that come in to play with the Republic's archipelagic nature. I don't want to write a paper on it though. I just want my Oreos stuffed into fried batter and served to me with vanilla ice cream. Hmm. Food.

I miss my friends and family in Luzon, I crave for Wicked Oreos (but I heard they're served in the Queen City now), and somewhat, I just want to go there. But definitely, I wouldn't want to live there for too long again.

Oh islands, can we ever unite into one (land) mass? Can we? Could we? I hope so.

Music: On John Mayer’s Edge of Desire

The ninth track from the Album "Battle Studies".

"Edge of Desire" by John Mayer. 

    I remember the first time I heard this on the radio. I went mad. Nothing prepared me for the banging of the drums that opened this incredible song. I lost control at that tiny moment and I knew I had to listen on. I dropped my pencil and ceased all academic activity. The notes had to wait. The singing voice that followed was a familiar one so I thought this was a new song by John Mayer. I later googled online the parcels of words and found the lyrics and I checked my computer if I had his album and this particular song. I did. I was delirious and determined to listen and re-listen to this jewel that was just sitting there waiting to be realized. Even the moments of pure instrumentals broke my heart open and truly speaks volumes. The drums, the sound of clashing cymbals, the guitar, the voice and the lyrics just meld into a plethora of emotions and a recall into the desire for that other who just drives us mad into the edge of desire.

Allow me to rant my reflections and feels in some of the lines from the song:


“Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me
For all of my trying
We still end up dying
How can it be?”

To those who have been in love, before or now or after, the words of these lyrics ring dear and true. We spend aching over a state of disturbance and fantasy but at the same time trying to navigate through the waters of our daily lives. We sail through our daily lives and yet we are driven mad by the dream of that dearest man or lady and we do what we can to cope with our pains and joys that just tangle together into a mess of emotions. We daydream about our desired other and just wish we never faze into reality, a reality without them. The only acceptable reality is that of being one with your love.

“Don’t say a word
Just come over and lie here with me
'cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see”

The scene of fire just sets up the visual and feeling of passion. Fire burns, consumes, radiates, heats and gives light. It is the perfect metaphor for passion. It can scorch and pain but it can also purge, warm and purify. Just stare into the fire, feel its warmth and don’t say a word. Feel rather than say. (Kind of funny I’m writing about it though, I must admit after the previous sentence.)

“So young and full of running
All the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing
Silently screaming
I have to have you now”

The air is taken from our lungs, the heart beats faster and we feel lighter than air and as dense as lead at the same time. Oh most especially in youth, love strikes and paralyzes us and yet we also gain the extraordinary energy to race against it! Desire is such a strong feeling it drives us to do things beyond our conception. We silently scream in our heads the craving and ache we feel for that special someone. The only acceptable reality is to have that adored creature right beside you. The feeling of palpitation, of that beating heart, the warm feeling and the craziness of it all does not help lessen that desire. It moves us to do something about it to end the uncomfortable thumps of the heart. What do we do when pushed to the edge? We struggle to survive. Fight or flee. Do we fight to appease the desire or do we flee and cower from the aches and desires.

“I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me”

Admission of guilt is difficult. Admission of the guilt of desire? All the more. The pain of rejection after pouring out the truth to another will definitely rip you apart. The feeling of love and desire is humbling. The earth becomes both heaven and hell at the same time. It shakes and quiets down in that moment of dread, if we gain love or we loose it. Desiring someone so badly to the point of going back on your own beliefs and notions is painful and rips the self to shreds. To desire someone even if involves going out your comfort zone means that your desire outweighs your self-preservation. You want to go out of your way to be with that desired other. Abandoning the ego to be with the other is deep, sacrificial love. When we abandon our selfish attachments that can be done away with to be with the one you love, one moves one step closer to true love. True love does not necessarily mean you have to be together. Love is love, whether be with someone else or one honestly desiring and caring for another.

P.S. If you notice the references on fire, earth, air and water, well it's the Legend of Korra feels coming up. They're not in the Avatar cycle's order but meh.

Poem: Best Friend

I wrote this poem some time ago. Now online in blog form.

"I am your goodbye, always on your lips
never really in your heart"

Was just searching through Google. This one seems to be the closest thing in my head when re-reading the poem.  "Evening Coffee Shop" by Dmitri Danish

Best Friend

Coffee shop at eleven thirty
I should just keep quiet
And die on the inside
As you graze my soul with your ignorance
With a rough high five and cheering you on
As he takes you on dates and I find ways
To have our own by talking about these dates
As you drink your cup, I wish I was your cup
Sleek and caressing your lips

Twelve sharp and you flood our time
On how he held your hand and how you smiled
I feign joy and pride for you and your boy
Hoping to say all that you are to me
But I keep my peace seeing how you are
With that smile that just melts my heart
As you hold your phone firmly
Waiting for his goodnight text
I wish I was that phone
Held tight and staring into my face

One thirty and stories start to wither
Now diverting to our times and our places
I thank God for no more cameos
That just shadow me away
I tremble praying your next date disastrous
But that would just tarnish that smile
And break my spirit into pieces
And you bid me goodnight, goodbye
I am your goodbye always on your lips
Never really in your heart